Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
