I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
