I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
