My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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