This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
