I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My feet surprised me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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