just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
