How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
