I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
