I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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