being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
