cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
