Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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