Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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