I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
