By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
