So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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