Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
