1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think I sprained my soul last night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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