Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
