I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
