I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need a burrito and a hug.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
