He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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