I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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