My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
