I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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