When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
