so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
