i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
