The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize