don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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