When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
