I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
