My first STD was from a foam party
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
