got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize