I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
