i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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