Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
