I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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