I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
