The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
