Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
