everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
