Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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