I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
