Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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