I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
