dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize