This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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