why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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