no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
