Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
