Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just cut my nipple shaving
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
