i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
