Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
