I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
