I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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