I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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