I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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