Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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